Following the successful rebuke of recreational cannabis in Camden, the heroes at Camden Cares took to their keyboards to write a humble victory statement.
It begins:
"For anyone who wondered if there is a place left in America where people can leave their doors unlocked and their bikes unchained; where the air is clean, the land is green, and the water is as blue as the sky; where people smile and wave to their neighbors, and where kids can play in the streets until being summoned home for supper – last night was our answer."
An unenlightened observer might justifiably wonder what horrific scourge these saviors had driven from the town.
The rest of the statement passes in a morass of self-satisfied solipsism.
But if you throw on your mental muck boots and trudge through the whole thing, the last paragraph is rather intriguing:
"As a 501c4 nonprofit advocacy organization whose charter is to promote and protect the health, social, and economic well-being of our town, Camden Cares isn’t going anywhere. We will continue to work with residents and stakeholders to achieve a more perfect union in our small but mighty town."
They need a sequel!
So we set our minds to assisting them with possible next chapters in their town-saving heroic arch.
What follows is a scattershot list of ideas for what Camden should ban next:
Plastic lawn furniture
Skateboards (could do a 2-part referendum with scooters)
Outside laundry
Hooded sweatshirts, especially with zippers
Drums and other percussion
Animals having sex
Trampolines
Slang
Gravel driveways
Dandelions
Doing your own yard work
Graffiti