As we speed through summer, a small segment of the midcoast population is facing the most important decision of their lives. A spork in the road that, if they choose wrong pronglet, might derail their promising futures.
That's right, we're talking toddlers.
This choice could be the difference between a Silicon Valley C-Suite or mowing lawns on Sea Street.
Headlining Broadway musicals or playing third recorder in a Northampton band/polyamory experiment.
Exploring the Milky Way or milking goats for your roadside cheese stand.
But which of our prestigious private child rearing academies should you pick?
Riley? Montessori? Ashwood? Maybe a little homeschooling sounds good?
They all have their benefits.
At Riley, kids learn on their own schedule. They won't let them fail. But they also won't let them pass.
In fact, "they do not get letter or number scores, and they are not ranked. Every attempt is celebrated, and outcomes are seen as part of the learning process."
But how will they know what they suck at?
Montessori boasts such famous alumni as Taylor Swift and Julia Child. But what if they end up more like Jeff Bezos or P Diddy? Or, God forbid, David Blaine.
Ashwood will help you identify different types of ants and accept seaweed as a viable lunch option, but will it be worth the constant sniffling?
Homeschooling could shield you from all the dangerous ideas running around the other demented toddler brains. But is that any worse than your parents?
It's a hard choice!
Could public school be the answer?
After all, your parents paid way too much for a house in Camden or Rockport to get into the school system.
But would that be a poor kid move? Would the private school tots look down on you when they join the fray in 4th to 8th grade? What if you get teased for knowing how to read?
It's a lot to think about! Especially when you're not even 3!
We here at Whispers would love to help.
For a one-time payment of $1200 (or 10% of all future earnings if your parents are too poor to have given you a credit card) we will happily counsel you on the best option for you and your family.